Frequently asked questions

16/08/2010 by Christopher Buxton

(following an article in Desant denouncing firewalking as a Satanist activity)

Is it a sin to eat kiofteta and kebabcheta?

Father Dimcho writes:

Of course! The very names of these dishes should rightly arouse Christian suspicions that they belong to a hostile culture and religion. Not only is the eating of kebabcheta an insult to the memory of generations of noble Bulgarians butanyone who has completed seventh class knows the Satanic origins of kiofteta.

Learned Professors from SKAT TV have linked kiofteta with Thracian Dyonisian orgies. The large meatballs, charred on the outside and red raw in the middle are clearly meant to resemble the coals of Hell. Patriotic readers will remember I have already written about the evil origins of fire dancing. See June’s copy of Desant.

A few unwitting Devil worshipers in the Stranzha region dance on hot embers. Little do they realize that this rite originates in the black magician Orpheus’ s journey to the underworld in the sacrilegious desire to bring the dead back to life. But how many thousands more of our deluded countrymen dare to chew the coals of Hell without a thought for their immortal souls?

As for the Kebabche – it is nothing less than the Ottoman secret weapon, designed to accustom free souls to slavery. From the moment lubricious houris in diaphanous shalvari, moulded the first kebabcheta between their agile fingers, Christians had to steel their hearts and block their noses. The insidious inclusion of ground Cumin was designed to weaken Bulgarian resolve. These turd shaped savoury delicacies were the reason that so many of our rich compatriots failed to respond to Botev’s call

I shouldn’t need to remind my readers of the evil of Coffee – another Turkish abomination – which has encouraged the heretical belief that Bulgarians can read their future in the coffee grounds.

Jesus Christ says we should love our enemies – Does this include the Turks?

Father Dimcho writes:

Of course not! Jesus only had Europeans in mind and everyone who has finished third class knows that Turkey is not part of Europe.

I urge all my readers to sign the petition to have the whole Turkish peninsula moved to the Pacific Ocean. Too long has this engorged penis stuck its head into the sacred womb of the Black Sea.

SKAT anthropologists have now proved that this sacred womb has given birth to all that is good in European Civilization. We owe a great debt of gratitude to our Bulgarian ancestor, Khan Noah, who populated the great proto Bulgarian lands from the Black Sea to the Aegean and Adriatic. His descendants include Alexander the Macedonian (shouldn’t that be Bulgarian? – ed.), The Pharos, Julius Caesar and Boyko Borisov.

I say don’t let this alien member become coupled forever with Europe. Cut it off! Move it closer to its friend, America!

Moving Turkey to the Pacific will put a stop to all that is evil including kofteta, Kebabcheta, shkembe chorba and especially the corruption of our Bulgarian women by high quality Soap Operas. Women who once would have thrown themselves into the sea rather than suffer the advances of a Pasha, now submit willingly to the imagined embraces of virile Turkish men from wealthy backgrounds. They even begin to imagine that Turks are just like them – only richer.

Anathema! Anathema!