Extraordinary Reaction to an Extraordinary Situation by the Ministry
Leaked document shows real intelligence says unnamed DPS source
The Ministry of Extraordinary Situations is not an invention of JK Rowling but is appropriately to be found facing the church where in 1925 Communists tried to blow up King and ruling elite.
With Bulgarians used to facing extraordinary situations every day of their waking and sleeping lives it is good to know that this Ministry works tirelessly on numbers of expensive projects – the latest being the cleaning of river beds an activity so muddy that it will certainly generate fat contracts for approved firms.
However, desperate times caused by the world economic crisis and the gas cut off has necessitated an exponential increase in blue sky outside-the-box thinking.
Here are some suggested initiatives in a leaked document from the Ministry of Extraordinary Situations, which will not necessarily involve large payments to Turkish sub-contractors.
Pensioners to knit hats, mufflers, mittens and bed socks for prisoners currently freezing in Bulgarian gaols. This enhances digital dexterity and circulation while generating enough hot communal complaint to warm a residential block.
An advertising campaign popularising the exciting breeds of fish to be found around the newly fired up reactor at Kozlodui – including such cheap delicacies as the four eyed red-head, (known affectionately in some quarters as a Stanishev); the shovel-finned monster brigandfish news of whose cannibalistic feats has replaced both Voden Ziderov and Bate Boyko on the front pages of the yellow press ; and the two arsed Tsarfish whose blue caviar is the subject of a current court action likely to be decided in 2036.
An invitation to George Bush to become special adviser to the communications wing of the newly formed CRIME – Committee for the Recovery of Illegal Munitions and Explosives. This will have the dual effect of mystifying the public, too often scared in the past by over-simple stories of organised crime, and providing interpreting work for the innumerable Business graduates of Private American Universities in Bulgaria.
An exchange which will bring Prince Harry to Bulgaria as special advisor to President Purvanov on Cultural Diversity and Political Correctness. The Ministry welcomes suggestions for the fancy dress ball. In return UK citizens will get Slavi Trifonov as a contestant in the latest Celebrity (who?) Big Brother .
The rebranding of Sunny Beach as a postmodern, post-communist labour camp – where the perpetrators of economic and environmental crime are forced to rub shoulders with their most obvious criminal victims in unheated and unwanted palaces.
A new campaign by the Bulgarian Orthodox church to use its priests and monks as personal body warmers for those most affected by the cold. A slight tremor near a church or monastery will trigger an immediate bear hug from a hearty smiling cleric.
A demonstration by police in Sofia Freedom Park of the penguin method of surviving a cold winter. Pushing, shoving, swearing and threatening are all permitted methods of circulation within the huddle, but guns truncheons and handcuffs will be removed from all below the most privileged ranks.
Finally the burning of all government records. This will not only have the advantage of warming the population for the entire winter, but also ensure freedom from prosecution or press exposure for all ministers – especially those responsible for extraordinary situations..
