“Tourists who try to find things on their own only find mosquitos”

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  1. “Tourists who try to find things on their own only find mosquitos”

    February 6, 2010 by Christopher Buxton

    It was ever thus: As Jane Austin might have written, It is a truth universally acknowledged that in a poor country a western tourist must be in search of some paid help or service.

    However little known the feelings or views of such a tourist on his first approaching a market stall, historic monument or even bus stop, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding natives that he/she is considered their rightful property.

    Tourists of slender material wealth flock to countries which possess stunning monuments and natural locations, astonishing arts and crafts, benevolent weather and above all the reputation of being extremely cheap.

    The challenge of visiting an alien culture, which seems older and richer than yours is vitiated by the fear that you will be ripped off by the natives. That is why you have purchased a guidebook the size of a bible.

    This guidebook is of course designed to keep contact with local people to a minimum.

    Enter a museum. You may be approached by a man who is urbane, shows a flattering interest in you, is able to speak your language flawlessly and is a mine of interesting information. Warned by your guidebook, you may purse your lips and tell him you have no need of his services. He will look hurt. You may feel a flash of guilt.

    What the guidebook will not remind you is that for the man this linkage of personal human contact with financial gain is unavoidable, and that this man needs you not just to survive, but also maintain a sense of self worth. He needs your money but also he needs the reassurance of being liked and respected for his manners and knowledge.

    The guidebook is therefore the enemy of the local population who stand as fishermen before the annual shoals of tourists. Stick your head too much in the guidebook, you’ll trip over broken ancient paving stones. You’ll see more printed words than decorated doorways or tiled fountains.

    The streets of poor countries throng with educated, multilingual and barely employed young men. One such walks beside you. Where are you from? What are you looking for? I’ll show you the way! You close the guidebook, pretend that you are not lost. You stop to look in a shop and hope he will go away. But he waits by the next corner. As you try to avoid his polite approaches, his face will betray hurt at your lack of manners.

    Tourists who try to find things on their own, only find mosquitoes! – the frustrated reaction of one such young man. We had declined his offer to guide us through the maze of narrow streets to find the ancient synagogue in Moroccan Meknes.

    Some tourists will go to lengths to protect themselves entirely from cultural contamination. In Thailand and Cambodia, we saw groups of wealthy Korean Tourists being led by Korean guides, protected from the locals by invisible barriers. After being shown temples or museums, the tourists are bused back to Korean owned hotels where they eat Korean food and buy souvenirs in Korean owned hotel shops.

    This of course does not improve local stereotypes of arrogant Koreans.

    But the ordinary tourist will still have to brace themselves when it comes to buying souvenirs and presents. There is no avoiding hassle and haggle.

    The guidebook will be consulted before any unavoidable transaction – how much should you pay for a taxi? a rug? a tagine? Deep in your heart there is a sense of raging competition with your fellow tourists. Will you have boasting rights on your bargaining skills back at the hotel, or will someone just sneer: You paid how much?They must have seen you coming.

    But this competition is artificial. It’s better to take writer Paul Bowles advice and go with the flow. We need to gain a sense of perspective and not worry too much about paying a little over the odds. After all being screwed can be a pleasurable experience. And it redresses global unfairness. We have to live up or down to our hosts’ expectations.


  2. Little Volen

    February 6, 2010 by Christopher Buxton

    I read in Standart that Volen Siderov’s escapade on a plane into Frankfurt has moved a Socialist Deputy to verse.

    Volen (Bulgarians love him) Siderov is alleged to to have got extremely drunk, abused stewardesses, calling them blonde Aryans (which is pretty rich coming from him) and as a result the plane had to be landed at the far end of the airport and met by police. Of course Volen just waved a diplomatic passport and no action was taken.

    Anyway here’s a free translation of Dimcho Mikhailovski’s reaction.

    Little Volen was flying drunk into town
    German pilots pulled guns to safely touch down
    “Aryan” stewardesses reacted in shock
    On the runway policemen waited en bloc

    Volen waved his diplomatic cards
    This number amazed the German guards.
    We’re always able to land in the mud.
    Anyway our parliament’s a total dud.


  3. Let’s stop the shame!

    January 12, 2010 by Christopher Buxton

    Bulgarian newspapers devote their front pages to a murdered “Radio Journalist” Bobby Tsankov. In addition to operating money raising scams on his Radio show, Tsankov pretended to know everything there was to know about the Bulgarian underworld.

    He died not far from the late lamented Ministry of Extraordinary Situations.

    He was shot in his favourite location – close to the lawyer’s offices where gangsters with colourful names flock. In the smoke filled rooms above the pavement where he fell the best legal minds grapple with the very simple task of ensuring that gangsters seldom face justice.

    His death proves an important adage: You can be a con-man or a fantasist. It is inadvisable to be both at the same time.

    And in Burgas locals are complaining about the shortcomings of the legal system. Amazingly after Judges and Prosecutors voted themselves a well deserved pay rise, doubts are still being raised about the speed and efficacy of delivering justice, protecting the weak and curbing the strong.

    Nearly twelve years after the death of two people on the Burgas-Sozopol Road, the trial of football boss, Ivailo Drazhev has been put off for the fiftieth time. The latest reason offered is that one of the judges is “unwell.”

    Not surprisingly Drazhev was a candidate in this summer’s elections. He diverted some money from his defence fund to print out thousands of posters with the slogan Let’s stop the shame!
    Although he probably got his mum to vote for him, his campaign was not really motivated by a desire to serve his fellow citizens.

    An extraordinary misunderstanding of European Civil Rights legislation has afforded temporary immunity from prosecution to anyone standing for election.

    Meanwhile our own judicial struggle with football and Petrol boss, Mitko Subev drags on. Subev persists in his apparent desire to knock down a perfectly sound building in order to deprive my pensioner mother-in-law of the rents that she relies on to survive. We have been waiting for the latest court decision for a year now.


  4. Proud to have kiwi friends

    December 18, 2009 by Christopher Buxton


    Just caught on to wonderful scandal rocking Auckland.

    Through my teenage years I had chastity stuffed down my throat by catholic priests while they thrashed my pyjama clad bottom. Sex education consisted of one word: Don’t!

    I was always puzzled by the 99.9% of saints being “virgins” dedicated to Christ and the Virgin Mary. Was it impossible to be a married saint?

    The only exceptions were poor Joseph who married this cracking girl only to be told by an angel that not only was he to bring up her bastard son but he was not under any circumstances to consumate the marriage; and St Thomas More who wore hair shirts and regularly whipped himself as a punishment for his enjoyment of marital sex.


  5. High way robbery

    December 16, 2009 by Christopher Buxton


    English street robbers, Somali pirates, Bulgarian highwaymen, every nation has its criminal stereotype and in the pre-Christmas crime wave, the Crocodile brothers have grabbed the attention of the headline writers of the Bulgarian yellow press.


    For the past twenty years, impervious to attempts by the authorities to put them behind bars, or perhaps helped by them, the band led by the brothers, Kroky and Geyser Milev, have preyed on Turkish guest-workers returning from Germany and Austria. Perhaps alerted by paid informers among customs officials and border police, the gang await their prey on the Sofia ring road or on the motorway that stretches past Plovdiv towards the Turkish border. They sit in cars down adjoining slip lanes, till they spot the loaded Audi or Mercedes, then give chase with flashing police lights. Once the law abiding Turkish citizen stops, the gang jump out of their cars, dressed in police uniforms, ready to beat smash rob and even kidnap.

    With former police chief, Boyko Borisov as Prime Minister, many corrupt customs officials and border police are supposed to be trembling for their futures. Not a day passes without news of an arrest of some high powered official – even former minister. But the legal system has not as yet delivered convictions. As Boyko once famously said in his former life: we arrest them; you judges release them. Despite many previous arrests and trials, the Crocodile gang still operate with apparent impunity.


    And so we learn that after a shoot out on the SofiaPlovdiv motorway and the release of a frightened handcuffed Turkish Audi driver, the brothers are still at large armed with Kalashnikovs. No doubt after a hue and cry they’ll be arrested and once again the faulty Bulgarian justice machine will judder into life – just in time for our heroes to stand for an election and claim immunity. Alibis will be provided as in the past. The outcome will be in doubt for the next few years.


    The Crocodile gang are but the latest in an old Bulgarian criminal tradition, celebrated in story and song. The country’s mountain chains and forests have long provided shelter for gangs of highway robbers, known as Haiduks. Most notably during the time of Turkish rule, Haiduks preyed on the rich caravans travelling from the northern borders of the empire towards Istanbul.


    It was inevitable that many of the Haiduks have been celebrated as heroes of national resistance to oppressive Turkish rule. Captain Petko Voivoda, is just one of countless typical examples of Robin Hood characters who used the proceeds of their robberies to found churches and build bridges and fresh water fountains.

    The romance associated with Balkan brigandage gained an international reputation with the kidnapping of the American missionary, Miss Stone in 1901. Her colleagues managed to smuggle the ransom in gold under the noses of the Turkish authorities. They had no doubt that the gold would be used to fund the Bulgarian resistance movement. As the American newspaper proprietor S.S McClure reported: “We never suspected the Bulgarian brigands of bad faith, for brigandage is one profession in which the prosperity of a man’s business absolutely depends upon his scrupulously keeping his word.”


    Miss Stone told the New York Times on her release: “I suppose you want to hear all about the brigands. They were not quite so fierce as you think.”


    I’m not sure that our victim of the Sofia-Plovdiv motorway robbery would have been so gracious. The evidence shows that a large majority of Haiduks were not selfless patriots, fighting for Bulgarian freedom, but like the Crocodile brothers, out for get-rich-quick easy pickings from hapless travellers.


    In England, every government is held to account by its yellow press when the street robbery statistics come out. Bulgarians won’t be holding their breaths on the fate of the Crocodile brothers.